So Saturday night is the Wales vs. Australia rugby match and my Aussie flatmates go to the local Walkabout to watch it. I’d rather cut off a testicle than go to the Walkabout so I stayed at home. This was about 4pm.

At about 11pm one of my flatmates (J) and our unofficial 4th housemate (K – she only lives a couple of streets over) come stumbling in, completely trollied with KFC. After they mumble incoherently at me for a bit I deduce they’ve been thrown out of the pub (a first for a Walkabout I think) and are drunk.

After about 10 minutes my other flatmate (M) stumbles in, takes 2 bits of KFC and immediately vomits before passing out face down in the living room. Also as part of this arrival K’s boyfriend (KB) comes in and starts violently wrestling with J, resulting in her going face first into the armchair (and leaving a pretty good bruise round the inside of her lips the next day).

At this point it’s all a bit much for me so I retire to my room.

About 20 minutes later I hear what sounds like a window smash. I listen for a few minutes but the music continues and there’s no screaming so I assume they’ve managed to upend the small table with everybodies drink on it. Things quiet down after a few minutes and I assume they’ve calmed down or even that K and KB have gone home.

10 minutes after the smash I hear a knock at the door and initial thoughts are J has gone to the off license or even walked K and KB home and forgotten her keys, alternatively I’m expecting the neighbours about the music. So I nip downstairs to let her in or apologise to the neighbours and open the door to 2 paramedics! They ask me if I called an ambulance and I tell them I don’t think so, but let me check.

Wandering into the living room I’m confronted by a bit of carnage. J is rocking herself in the corner like Rainman’s less intelligent cousin, there’s blood all over the floor and KB has the oven mit strapped to his wrist which is dripping blood everywhere.

I usher in the paramedics telling them they’ve got the right place and while they attend to KB I check that J is alright. As I offer soothing words and confirm she’s alright the paramedic not busy strapping up KB asks me over the table if I was talking to the dog. Well… :p

At this point the police turn up being fairly accusatory towards KB asking why he punched a window. Not having been in attendance I don’t offer an explanation straight away, but as it becomes apparent that there’s no sense to be had in the room I explain the earlier wrestling and that it was likely a continuation of that that’s ended badly. They all pack up after a couple of minutes and KB is rushed to the hospital.

J is immediately up suggesting we continue to drink but I soon send her to bed, after finding out where the mop and bucket is (women’s work, why would I know?) and begin cleaning up. The problem with blood is as soon as you add water all you have is more blood, so after about an hour of mopping and sopping up blood with kitchen roll the kitchen no longer looks like a crime scene. Of course I took photos before hand. It’s times like this that the iPhone’s 2MP camera doesn’t do it justice.

Of course now we have a gaping hole where the window was and while the back garden is completely enclosed I’d hate for burglars to get in just for lack of watching it, so I set up camp to sleep in the living room. Luckily I did because for some reason the iron was on which would have involved unwinding the cable, moving the sideboard and plugging it in. What was going on last night?!

At about 4am J wanders down looking for her phone, which I provide and then as we chat I bring up that you know it’s a good night when the police and ambulance are called. She stares at me blankly and it soon becomes apparent she has no recollection of last night’s activities, much beyond 6pm actually. So I explain what happened and she wanders off to bed.

Later M comes down and had no idea about the night before’s shenanigans so I briefly fill her in and show her the pics.

As more of the story comes to light the next day it seems as if my assumptions about the drunken wrestling were correct, but after slicing up his arm KB didn’t notice and proceeded to punch out the rest of the window slicing up his other hand in the process. Quite how you don’t notice slicing your wrist so badly it severs the tendons and cuts the artery I don’t know, but after losing a litre of blood and passing out it was a good few hours of surgery to put him back together.

You wanna see it? …

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Nice.